Lomadia
by screamstar
Summary: Hard to describe this one. Prequel to Elfenders, got a bit of AU going on, very funny. And not a hint of bad grammar. Honest. Pretty please R&R? I need the criticism. Flame if you must...
1. Beginnings

_**DISCLAIMER:** The author won't be held responsible for any readers who need therapy after reading this. She would also like to make it clear that she didn't come up with the Broadswords or Drunken Night scenes. HONEST. Amy and Sarah came up with that filth._

_**Lómadia**_

The Tenth Member - When Tolkien found his histories, he was missing quite a lot

of text. Mostly concerning the tenth member of the fellowship. This was Elrond's

daughter, Lómadia who entered the fellowship in disguise. Luckily, her diary has

been found, and now we can piece together her part in the War of the Ring.

ENTRY ONE

Life here is so boring.

Granted, all very pretty, but it can't compare to some of the places I've been.

Not to mention that that bitch Arwen keeps stealing my sword. If I've told her

once I've told her a million times; she has her own, I'm the one who needs it.

Besides, she's the one with the hero king of men boyfriend.

Not that I'm denying he's good looking. In a greasy, unwashed kinda way...

ENTRY TWO

Well, that's a surprise. Arwen buggers off just to go try and find lover boy.

And a few of those pint sized halflings from the Shire he seems to be so keen

on. Like she accepts that he has a thing for them.. And it's so obvious.

ENTRY FOUR

Well, she's finally decided to turn up. With one of those teeny things in tow.

Honestly. She is so incompetent. Meant to be the Evenstar of her people, and she

can't even cure a little cut from a Nazgul blade.

He's this little, black haired thing... Kinda sweet really. Scary eyes though.

Very scary..

Later that entry

Little Frodo's friends turned up. Along with that no good ranger. Damn those

Nazgul. Can't even kill him. Thought that they were meant to be at least a

little considerate.

ENTRY FIVE

I'm a little concerned for that hobbit's welfare. To be honest, I don't think it

was necessary for him to have his wound sucked better. Or other places that that

scary little fat hobbit was paying so much attention to.

The twin hobbits seem to be a bit more detatched from him. Although they did use

him waking up as an excuse to have a big hug party out on the balcony.

Gandalf was giving Dad grief again about him planning to bugger off over the

sea.

To be honest, if it gets me away from Arwen and her thieving habits, I'm

going with him. Pronto.

ENTRY SIX

You know, she actually took my bow! My bow! Honestly. I'm 1203 years old and she

treats me like I'm 120. Like it was just a toy. Well, I still have my double

swords. Thinking of giving those to Frodo to defend himself against his obsessed

companion. Honestly, I do wonder whether he even knows sometimes.

Doubt it. She was actually playing with the bow. Not that she had any strength

whatsoever to use it. She kept telling me that it must be impossible to fire

things when the string is so tight.

I didn't even bother to explain.

ENTRY SEVEN

Dad's calling a council. Again. Every one from middle earth has to send a

representative. Oooh, wonder who Thranduil will send. Hope it's that hot one.

Granted, he does a LOT of nancing about, but still, he really is quite good

looking.

ENTRY EIGHT

Go me, go me, go me...

Thranduil did send the hot one. Ogling him is kind of hard though. I can only

pretend to stand looking pretty on a balcony and getting a sly look for so

long...

Later

Oh bugger... What have I done?


	2. Mistakes

ENTRY NINE

Ooops. Snuck into dad's council in disguise. Actually, while following Legolas

around like a lost puppy, agreeing with everything that he said, appear to have

joined a fellowship of some sort.

Think it was along the lines of

LEGOLAS; You have my bow.

ME; Oooh, me too. You like to swim?

Double bugger. Just found out where the fellowship is headed. Mordor. Or as Dad

insists on calling it, Morrrrdorrrr. Well at least I'm useful. I can fight. I

did orc-killing as my PE choice at high school for twenty years. Unlike Arwen.

Oh, I like volleyball, I love netball, blah blah blah.. Aha, just noticed, I'm

away from that cow for a while. Screw her. And I can keep Aragorn in check for a

bit. Convinced he's up to something with that Frodo.

On the downside, I am now a prince from the little known human kingdom of Goran .

Great. How am I supposed to get Legolas pretending to be a manky human???

Even worse, I couldn't stop giggling through the whole council. Bloody Elondra

kicking the crap out of Thranduil when he tried to stop her leaving. I swear, that guy has serious trust issues, didn't even trust his own son to do what he asked, followed him here in disguise. Then she called Gimli a tiny ginger fuckwit. Which suited me just fine.

Found Elondra later to tell her I was going hunting then onto Lorien. She wanted to come, but I told her Haldir was out hunting too, and he'd be coming here to stay for a few days. That made her stop. She was laughing because I never got to stare at all the hot elves arses in the council. Shows what she knows..

ENTRY TEN

Honestly. I thought Aragorn was a bit pervy. You should see what that Boromir is

doing to Gimli and the hobbits. Especially Frodo. I mean, I know he's cute. But

he's waist high!

Half an Hour later...

Ah. Just realised up side of that.

Still, so not justified! He keeps telling the hobbits they should polish his

sword for him. And keeps telling Gimli that braids are very in this season.

Anyone knows they aren't. It really is more of a cleanshaven, straightened look this

year.

ENTRY ELEVEN

On Cardhras.

A bit chilly to be honest. I'm far too pissed off to write much. Suffice to say

that everyone is hitting on Frodo, and as I'm pretending to be human, I can't

walk on top of the snow. I have to walk behind them all. Bloody Saruman. Bloody

evil. Bloody quest.

ENTRY TWELVE

In mines of Moria. Frodo nearly got eaten by a big octopus. Don't ask me what it

was called. Not much time for introductions. Suffice to say it was probably

those two labotomy patient hobbits that did it. Or one of them.

Still can't tell those two hobbits apart.

ENTRY THIRTEEN

Too dark.

Those hobbits are still obsessed with vegetables. They actually tried to find

some mushrooms. Honestly... Feel kind of sorry for Gimli really. Found out that

his cousin was dead.

Guess he can't really help looking a moron all of the time. Ah well. Had a great

time kicking a hill troll's ass. Best fun in a while really. Legolas update;

Still as gorgeous as ever. Can't really perve very well in the dark, but am

guessing he still is, if the damp isn't affecting his hair.

ENTRY FOURTEEN

Oh hell.

Gandalf fell into shadow. To be honest, I thought he was a bit lecherous towards

the halflings, so not that bothered to see him go, really. Although the rest of

them were. Legolas' face seemed to register some emotion, so of course I had to

at least pretend to be a bit miffed. Not that Aragorn was having any of the

teary crying stuff. Which caused another tiff between him and Boromir. Honestly.

ENTRY FIFTEEN

I don't know about the rest of them, but my elfy eyes are picking up on a scary

little green thing. Seems to be eyeing up Frodo. Oh, why the hell not? Everyone

else seems to be...

Fortunately that doesn't seem to include Legolas. Honestly, it's almost worth

all this crap just to get an eyeful of him getting changed. Very in shape for a

2931 year old. Mmm...


End file.
